Shaadi.com…part deux

This is a follow-up to my last Shaadi.com post.

So I should probably start out by saying that I created an account. I will admit it. I have an account on Shaadi.com.

Ok, cue the laughter…all right that’s enough.

Oh, and no you can’t see it.

You may be wondering, “After all that whining in your last post, why did you cave in and create an account on Shaadi.com?”

First, a refresher for my non-Indian readers:

Malayalees refers to people from the South Indian state of Kerala. Nairs refers to a caste among Malayalee Hindus, probably most similar to the general “kshatriya” caste.

Well it’s not like I’m wading knee-deep in Nair guys who fit my parents’ stringent criteria (as well as my own). I don’t have the time to go to many of these Malayalee events and conventions anymore (yes so that means I probably won’t be making it out to the KHNA convention in LA this year…sigh). Sure, Nair guys make up probably the largest chunk of the Hindu Malayalees in the United States, but among all Indians in the United States, we are a rarity. I think if I just left it to chance, I’d probably only end up finding someone who fits the bill by the age of…50? 60?

If I learned anything from my Human Bonding class in college, it is this: the largest pool of potential partners you will ever encounter is in college, after that, social networking/dating sites or other dating/meet-and-greet events are your next best bet (depressing, yes, but true). Well…that and people tend to be attracted to people who look most like themselves, but that’s another story altogether.

So I guess to answer the question in my last post…Shaadi.com may be a legitimate possibility.

However, I think Shaadi.com and a lot of other Indian dating/matrimonial sites seem to cater more to those in India than Indians that have either moved abroad or were born abroad. The vast majority of people who have profiles on Shaadi.com are from India. While, yes, I’m Indian, ultimately I’m a product of the United States. Yes, I took Carnatic music classes and classical dance classes, yes I like Indian culture, and yes I ultimately want to end up with an Indian guy. Yet I was born in the United States, and my outlook has been colored by my experiences growing up in the United States. Perhaps that’s why, for many Indians born abroad, Shaadi.com and similar sites seem ludicrous. I’m not even sure there are any websites geared towards NRI’s (non-resident Indians) or people of Indian origin that has the same popularity (or for that matter, as smooth an operating system) as Shaadi.com.

It would be even better to have a site for Malayalee NRIs/people of Indian origin, but that might be asking too much. If I had an ounce of computer programming ability, I would have started a site myself. Unfortunately, I’m as computer-challenged as they come. Anyone want to help me out?

So I’m hoping something comes out of my first foray into the (big and scary) world of online dating/matrimonial sites. It’s a crap shoot, but at least I’m keeping my options open.

The Emerging Facebook Culture

I’ve wanted to write this one for a while, considering how I’m the self-proclaimed Facebook addict.

I started using Facebook back when Facebook was open only to the Ivy League universities, and maybe a few more outside of that (this was maybe around May 2004). I wasn’t really into the whole MySpace scene, and this seemed like a clean-cut version of MySpace. It also was a more organized version of Cornell’s attempt at uniting our incoming class of 2008. Back then, Facebook was relatively simple. You had a profile, a friend’s list, inbox, and the poking feature. Beyond that, there wasn’t really a whole lot.

Oh how times have changed.

Now Facebook is no longer restricted to university students, or even just to students. Everyone is on Facebook. Yes your little brother, your neighbor from down the road, perhaps even your parents–they all have profiles. Facebook has grown and morphed into this social-networking juggernaut that keeps changing to meet the demands of the public. There are very few people nowadays who don’t know what Facebook is.

Facebook has become its own cultural phenomenon. It comes with its own set of social norms. You don’t believe me? There is a whole set of connotations that can be associated with, say, a poke. If a girl pokes a guy, or a guy pokes a girl, it can be viewed as flirtatious. If friends poke each other, it’s more a sign that they’re both silly and very bored. A person you don’t know who pokes you is viewed as creepy. I can probably create a hundred other scenarios that center on a poke. The same goes for messages, wall posts, and other modes of communicating that Facebook provides.

You can probably categorize people into a host of loose categories based on their Facebook habits. There are those who friend everyone, accept all friend requests, join every group, and add every application. They are probably better off on MySpace. Then there are those who do…nothing. They are probably better off not creating a profile to begin with. Then there are those who fall somewhere along that spectrum. There are those who probably have lives and occasionally update their Facebook profile, and don’t necessarily seek out new friendships, but keep the ones they have alive through Facebook. Then there are those (like me) who tend to go on Facebook often more to utilize it for a specific purpose (like plugging my blog and keeping in touch with friends). The possibilities are endless.

Facebook has even begun to serve as a method for finding potential dates, and that too, comes with its own set of unspoken rules. It’s no surprise that it is being used that way. One’s profile has (usually) all the information a person needs to learn about another person enough to decide whether or not it’s worth getting to know them better. Yet sometimes, actually opening the channel of communication through Facebook whether through a message, poke, friend request, or other method can be viewed very differently between different people. I tend to overextend my definition of creepy to cover a whole set of possible actions on Facebook, but that’s also because I’m very cautious by nature. These include the compliments about photos, pokes, and random friend requests. I have only now begun to realize that sometimes, it’s not so much that people are creepy, and it could be explained by the fact that they are perhaps shy. Sometimes you have to give people the benefit of the doubt, but in the context of the Internet, sometimes it is better to exercise caution. Many do actually turn out to be very creepy.

Now that Facebook is open to everyone, there are legitimate concerns about privacy. Parents are using this as a means of keeping tabs on their children, while employers and graduate schools are using it as a means of investigating their applicants’ private lives (with special attention to partying, drinking, and drug use). Facebook has become the new Big Brother, in that regard. It’s legitimate that it would be used in that sense, it is a useful tool that way. Obviously the first thing to do is either a) stop drinking to the point of stupidity b) stop underage drinking and c) stop drug use, but really that’s just wishful thinking. So I guess the best thing to do is don’t put up pictures that portray you in an unfavorable light. While sure, you may have had fun at that frat party, house party, or bar, you don’t necessarily want that to ruin your chances at a great future or ruin your parents’ trust. I can understand employers using Facebook to assess applicants, but seriously, parents shouldn’t be so eager to make a profile to spy on their children. For the most part, we know what we’re doing, and sometimes we may stumble…but we can pick ourselves up. Just have a little faith.

Facebook has become a tool for reporters, celebrities, and musicians to gain fans and keep them up to date on various happenings. I can be informed when Nicholas Kristof writes a new column or blog post, or when the date for the start of a new season of Monk, Heroes, or House is announced. I think its fair to say that Facebook is slowly supplanting MySpace as the social networking site of choice, for both regular Joes and celebrities alike.

It seems that Facebook is probably here to stay, much like AIM, as a novel method of communication and networking. I’m curious to see how it will evolve to meet changing times and changing generations. Hopefully it will all be for the best.

I’m going to leave you with two videos relating to Facebook. The first is Penn Masala’s homage to Facebook, and is a parody of Enrique Iglesias’ “Hero.”

The second is a brilliant video that takes Facebook actions and looks at what would happen if we did those things in real life.

Shaadi.com…(outright) capitulation or (legitimate) possibility?

Let me set the stage for you:

The girl is a graduate student on her way to applying to medical school next year.  She is not in a relationship at this point, and there seems to be no one that has expressed any real interest that would keep mom and dad placated…i.e. Malayalee and Nair.  Therefore, the aforementioned parents want to put an ad up for the girl to be married within the next two years, something a la Shaadi.com.  The general connotation of Shaadi.com and matrimonial ads of the sort is that of ridicule and considered a “last ditch attempt” by most.  Others, however, have found great people (her parents included) through these methods.  What is the girl to do?

End scene.

Arranged marriage has tried to evolve to meet the times, no doubt.  Back in the day, couples would be arranged perhaps within the village, but at least within a certain area.  Marriages were alliances of families, not just the bonding of two people.  It was about preserving one’s identity across generations.  In Kerala, for example, cultural and religious practices even differed across the state.  Those closer to Tamil Nadu have a culture that melded Malayalee with Tamil rituals.  Those closer to the Malabar coast have their own.  This is clearly evidenced with my parents, one of whom is from Palakkad, one of whom is from Ernakulam.  That union was viewed as almost radical, I mean, a girl from Ernakulam marrying a boy from Palakkad?  Insane! That too, they met through an advertisement.

Now it’s my turn.

Being born and raised in the United States my whole life brings about its own set of challenges.  I am cynical, which may or may not be a function of my being raised here.  I tend to be suspicious of people at first before warming up to them as I get to know them.  It seems like my parents were much more open to ads than I am and many of my peers.  I tend to think (not entirely erroneously) that half the ads on sites such as Shaadi.com are not made by the person who is being advertised (I’m not including sites like eHarmony and Chemistry because they’re a bit different).  “Shaadi” for my non-Indian readers, means “marriage” in Hindi.  A quick browse through some of the profiles seems like most were written by their parents, rather than the guys themselves, and that strikes me as duplicitous.  Maybe the guys asked for their parents to put the ad in, but if they can’t even invest that much in finding a spouse, I’m not sure I’d want to even deal with them.  Part of me still wants to see if I can find someone on my own, who my parents would like as well.  Shaadi.com seems like a last resort, if I look at it that way.

Yet there are definitely benefits to this system.  At least on Indian matrimonial sites, if you’re so inclined, you can search by region, religion, and caste, which theoretically makes life easier.  The same can be said for newspaper matrimonial ads.  While my parents are probably more vested in my ending up with a Malayalee, Nair guy, it can’t hurt to have that option available if I want to search for one myself.  Like other dating sites (I think) there are the options of looking for profiles with photos and without photos (and praying the photos that are up are not heavily Photoshopped).  What’s convenient about Indian matrimonial sites is that you can indicate whether you are vegetarian or nonvegetarian, drink or not, smoke or not, and other things.  Me, I’m a pescatarian…yes it’s a word, and you’d be surprised at how things like diet can shape a relationship (there was a New York Times article on it a few months back).  I myself am pretty lenient, but I’m just saying…it’s a factor to consider.

Nonetheless, it’s important to get to meet and know the person, regardless of how one found the other.  Sometimes that’s a bit harder when the person you met on Shaadi.com lives in India and you live in the States.  Even if you both live in the States, getting from New York to say Texas, is easier said than done.  Yet the argument can be made that, if there is a legitimate connection between two people, distance shouldn’t matter, right?  Still, for me, face-to-face contact is the best way for me to judge a person’s character.  Denying me that makes things very difficult.  Also (on a slightly lighter note) having my brother play “that brother-in-law to-be” a la Nick Portokalos in “My Big, Fat, Greek Wedding” would be very difficult if the guy’s not around too often before the wedding.  It’s an inevitable, right of passage.

So for me at least, the jury is still out on the possibility of me utilizing a site like Shaadi.com, or just plain old matrimonial ads.  I’m hoping I won’t have to, that I’ll find someone the “old-fashioned way” but I guess there could be someone special that may be found through an ad.  I just hope his picture isn’t John Abraham’s when he actually looks like Mohanlal.