“Don’t Worry, Be Happy”

We all know the song by the same name, but what you may not know is that the quote itself came from an Indian mystic who went by the name of Meher Baba. It really does encompass what should be our ideal approach to life.

Don’t worry, be happy.

Why is it so hard?

Happiness, like perfection, is extremely relative and yet people hold themselves to this elusive standard of happiness. Happiness for some means wealth, for others, it’s sexuality, and for others still, it’s spirituality. What does it even mean to be happy?

“I’m happy today.”

The next logical statement would be “why are you happy?” Happiness is conditional, and happiness is variable.

“I’m happy today because I got an A on my paper.”
“I’m happy because I didn’t miss the train.”
“I’m happy because my dog survived the fire.”
“I’m happy because…”

We learn what makes us happy from our personal experience, and by learning from others. The problem, though, is when we try to squeeze our lives into someone else’s definition of happiness when we know it won’t be a good fit.

“If you become a doctor, you will be happy.”
“If you follow this religion, you will be happy.”
“If you marry before the age of 30, you will be happy.”

It may work, and sometimes it may work temporarily. Usually it doesn’t work at all. Citing the first example…sure you may be happy for the first year or two, but if you are not completely vested in the idea of caring for the sick day in and day out and facing an increasingly complicated healthcare industry with its malpractice suits and insurance issues, you will crash and burn.

The most important thing in understanding what makes you happy is being in tune with your wants and needs, and not caving into pressure from others unnecessarily. It’s, of course, easier said than done.

The second most important thing to remember is that money does not equal happiness.

The third most important thing is that sadness and happiness are both temporary states.

To illustrate the first point, I’ll use myself as an example. There is incredible pressure for me to marry within the next two years, both given the fact that I’m looking at a medical career and finding time to marry gets harder and harder as medical school goes on, and the fact that it seems like everyone around me is getting hitched.

“You will be happier because you will be more ‘secure.’”
“You will be happier because you can safely have a child before 30 if you marry soon.”

This is how I see it. Yes, there is that notion of security that comes from being in a committed relationship, and marriage is the definitive seal of commitment in the context of Indian society. Yet the definition of security here is financial. I place slightly greater stock in emotional security, though I recognize financial is important. Here, the wants and the needs of my parents and me don’t quite match up.

I would not mind being married soon, but I know that I will not be happy if I get married too soon. In India, marriage is encouraged early. For me, I am fairly certain I will get married before I am 30 (at least that’s the game plan), but at the same time I will only do it when I feel ready and when my to-be-husband feels ready as well. I will only do it when I know that I am ready to not only take care of myself, but also take care of my husband, and a new family, and remain happy as only I can. I know if I were to get married today, it would be disastrous. While I may love the man, I would not be at ease with married life. I know I wouldn’t be happy.

The second point is probably best demonstrated by the tanking economy and the recent increase in suicides. Maybe I’m short-sighted, since I can’t see how losing money justifies killing yourself, and sometimes taking others with you (as was the case with a family out in California). Money can make life secure, and certainly take the load off, but money does not equal happiness. A few years ago, Bangladesh–one of the poorest countries in the world–ranked as one of the happiest.

The third point is something I’m sure we have all experienced. I like adopting the Taoist outlook on the world to justify this point, specifically, the concept of yin and yang. Here, you can make the argument that with the stationary yin yang, happiness as we experience it in day-to-day (white portion) activities is tempered with a little sadness (black spot), and vice-versa for sadness. In rotating the yin yang, you can interpret that as the balance of happiness and sorrow. Each episode of happiness is balanced out with an equal episode of sadness, and vice-versa. Neither state is permanent, and neither state overwhelms the other. Every cloud does have its silver lining.

And I guess one thing that may have crossed your mind is “who the hell is she to start pontificating about what happiness is, it’s not like she’s some self-help guru.”

Obviously I’m not.

I’m still human, still imperfect, and still figuring things out. I spent a decent chunk of college feeling depressed and wallowing in self-pity, thinking that the storm that had blown in was in for the long haul, and that I would eventually drown in the deluge. Friends and family, however, eventually helped me realize a few fundamental things:

1. There is no point in getting bogged down by every little misstep and every little unfortunate event. Never get consumed by it. Always be logical in your handling of the situation. This is not to say be an emotionless robot, but a clear head goes a long way.

2. Never cave into pressure from anyone. Your parents, friends, relatives, and colleagues all certainly mean well when they give advice. It is never fair, though, when they try to dictate what you should do to meet their own definition of happiness.

3. No matter how dire things seem, there are always people who are there to back you up and keep you afloat, no questions asked.

4. You are the only one that can create your own definition of happiness.

There is no point in learning anything if you are not willing to pass on the information to help other people. This is what I have learned. Take it with a grain of salt, but I hope it does help.

So don’t worry, be happy…whatever that means to you!

There is Much to Be Thankful For, but More to Be Hopeful For

I’m thankful that this year has been going well for me, and I’m glad my family is healthy and happy. I’m glad my grandparents did not go anywhere near Colaba/Nariman Point today or yesterday, and that all my relatives in Mumbai are safe.

This Thanksgiving, give thanks for what you have, but pray for those who have lost, and those whose future is still uncertain. Pray that they may have a reason to give thanks soon.

Again, please check out my friend’s blog for updates, as well as his Twitter feed.

What is Love? (Baby Don’t Hurt Me…)

Here is where I make my shameless plug for my brother’s blog, but he has a great post on the subject:

http://ssk001.wordpress.com/2008/10/26/love-and-relationships/

So why am I of all people posting about this?  Little old me, from a conservative Indian background with little to no real experience.  What could I possibly know about the subject?

I really don’t know much of anything, even now.  What I know, if anything at all, is based on a shred of experience and years of observation.  So take what I have to say with a grain of salt.

Scientists have started to study love, or rather bonding, seeing it as an important driving force for the development of human social ties.  I myself took a class in college on the subject, and found it very interesting…needless to say, I could have done better in the class though so it speaks volumes of my intuitive understanding of the subject.  Here’s what I took away from the class:

1.  Infatuation is very easy to identify if you know the signs (sometimes it takes another person to see the signs in you, since you may be too busy being infatuated).

2.  People are attracted to people who look most similar to themselves.

3.  It’s about having some common ground, biologically and otherwise.

4.  Sex is a powerful bonding agent.

Not really a whole lot about love though…so what is love?

Love can be the best or the worst four-letter word in the English language (granted I’m taking love in the romantic sense of the word).  It has changed some lives and fractured others.  Love is a sneaky person, sometimes people think he’s there, when really it’s infatuation or lust, closely-related (and sometimes devious) cousins.  Yet when you find love, the feeling has been compared to ecstasy (the state of mind, not the psychotropic drug…though who knows).  Love can sometimes be as elusive as, say, the lottery…but does it really have to be?

Hinduism deals with love mostly in the spiritual sense, and any other kind of love is seen as a derivative of the ultimate divine love: the love for God.  They may go a little far when they deem all other love as a perversion of divine love, but that’s their take on it.  Ultimately, though, love is supposed to be a pure, emotional state of mind.  Love does not equate with lust, but more often than not, the two are inseparable with lust often leading to love.

Does love really exist anymore?  Given the divorce rates that I’ve seen in recent years (something like 50%), it’s easy to question whether love and commitment has all but disappeared.  People seem to be rushing headlong into relationships that are either not stable or not viable, because they’re mistaking a bond based more on lust and infatuation as love, more often than not.  More people “hook up” than date, but what’s dating even defined as anymore?  Maybe I’m old-fashioned, but I’m still a sucker for just good old-fashioned romance.  Nonetheless, times have changed, jobs have changed, and people just don’t seem to have time to budget out for a “date.”  Granted, I’m basing this on what I’ve seen in college, and to a degree in grad school, but I think it’s fair to say that at the very least, people just don’t have time…period.  Does that affect the quality of a relationship?  I don’t know…maybe other people have better insight on this than I do.

Are we just too cynical to love, nowadays?  Or conversely, are we not guarded enough?  Where does that all arise?  Maybe part of it is the mainstream media, with its portrayals of love always working out in the end.  On the other hand, when love does not work out, it is always a sordid and sad affair.  It’s almost as if we’ve forgotten how to love and our structuring our own understanding based on the scripted relationships in our favorite movies and shows.  I myself can’t disentangle my own understanding of love without, somewhere, citing “Friends,” or, “Never Been Kissed,” or anything similar.  Maybe it’s just me?

I’ve been raised to go the arranged marriage route, where you don’t marry the one with whom you fall in love with, but grow to love the one you marry (to paraphrase a line from “Born Confused”).  I’m trying to stick with that, but I get the feeling that while I’ll end up marrying someone my parents are happy with, I’ll have already fallen in love with that person well before the wedding.  But if I’m asked to define love in my own words, here’s what I’d say.  Love is that which everyone aspires to, but few get to taste in all its sweet glory.  Love is a pair of arms wrapped firmly around you, holding you close, not willing to let go.  It’s the bliss of being unaware of anything else except for that one person.  Love is comfort.  Love is disregard for the petty details, the little quirks, which ultimately get consumed and loved as well.  At the end of the day, love is a connection of two souls, less of two bodies.

I’ll end this one with two quotes about love that I absolutely love myself:

“If you judge people, you have no time to love them.” –Mother Teresa

“When you are in Love you can’t fall asleep because reality is better than your dreams.” –Dr. Seuss