This is a follow-up to my last Shaadi.com post.
So I should probably start out by saying that I created an account. I will admit it. I have an account on Shaadi.com.
Ok, cue the laughter…all right that’s enough.
Oh, and no you can’t see it.
You may be wondering, “After all that whining in your last post, why did you cave in and create an account on Shaadi.com?”
First, a refresher for my non-Indian readers:
Malayalees refers to people from the South Indian state of Kerala. Nairs refers to a caste among Malayalee Hindus, probably most similar to the general “kshatriya” caste.
Well it’s not like I’m wading knee-deep in Nair guys who fit my parents’ stringent criteria (as well as my own). I don’t have the time to go to many of these Malayalee events and conventions anymore (yes so that means I probably won’t be making it out to the KHNA convention in LA this year…sigh). Sure, Nair guys make up probably the largest chunk of the Hindu Malayalees in the United States, but among all Indians in the United States, we are a rarity. I think if I just left it to chance, I’d probably only end up finding someone who fits the bill by the age of…50? 60?
If I learned anything from my Human Bonding class in college, it is this: the largest pool of potential partners you will ever encounter is in college, after that, social networking/dating sites or other dating/meet-and-greet events are your next best bet (depressing, yes, but true). Well…that and people tend to be attracted to people who look most like themselves, but that’s another story altogether.
So I guess to answer the question in my last post…Shaadi.com may be a legitimate possibility.
However, I think Shaadi.com and a lot of other Indian dating/matrimonial sites seem to cater more to those in India than Indians that have either moved abroad or were born abroad. The vast majority of people who have profiles on Shaadi.com are from India. While, yes, I’m Indian, ultimately I’m a product of the United States. Yes, I took Carnatic music classes and classical dance classes, yes I like Indian culture, and yes I ultimately want to end up with an Indian guy. Yet I was born in the United States, and my outlook has been colored by my experiences growing up in the United States. Perhaps that’s why, for many Indians born abroad, Shaadi.com and similar sites seem ludicrous. I’m not even sure there are any websites geared towards NRI’s (non-resident Indians) or people of Indian origin that has the same popularity (or for that matter, as smooth an operating system) as Shaadi.com.
It would be even better to have a site for Malayalee NRIs/people of Indian origin, but that might be asking too much. If I had an ounce of computer programming ability, I would have started a site myself. Unfortunately, I’m as computer-challenged as they come. Anyone want to help me out? 
So I’m hoping something comes out of my first foray into the (big and scary) world of online dating/matrimonial sites. It’s a crap shoot, but at least I’m keeping my options open.
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May 2, 2010 at 12:02 am
paolomi
Hi Saroj,
Ofcourse you know me from college
. I sometimes chance upon articles from your your blog and they are all so well thought out and well written but sometimes i cannot help myself from posting comments about articles which specifically relate to india and its culture. As you ofcourse know, I grew up in India for some of the most defining years of my life and still consider myself every bit Indian and a person who never even moved to the US.
Your blog is to libreral and talks about so many different things of life, politics, etc etc but it strikes me as odd that when it comes to marriage or love that this article seems to be so unliberal. Ofcourse I grew up in India so I understand the want to marry/date someone of your own culture.Someone who understands your food,language, habits etc. And ofcourse I understand (or maybe I partially understand this becuase my parents are on the very liberal end of the indian parent spectrum) the pressures one can face from thier family about marriage.
As long as we are going with the “dare to dream” and “persevere” and “fight the uphill battle” – why can’t that principle apply to love in some way. What I’m trying to say is that love in many ways love doesn’t see if your husband or boyfriend is a doctor or engineer or a hindu or christian. If were so to happen that you fell in a love with a person who does not fit your “parents criteria” maybe it would be an uphill battle with your family for a while but if a family truly wishes for their son’s or daughter’s happiness they will ofcourse come around to accepting who ever it is you were to choose.
Also, what I’m trying to say is that why not apply all these liberal principles to when it comes to dating? It has always bewildered me how some religious people can be totally liberal when it comes to everything else except picking a partner. After all, that is one of the most important decisions you will ever make in your life.
From my personal experience, because I started dating my boyfriend from very early on, I didn’t get the chance to date someone of a different culture. And in some ways I regret that because I feel it could have been a great learning opportunity. And if I hadn’t been dating, I would have totally wanted to find someone to marry regardless of religion, caste, creed whatever. Because from what I know of loving someone, in the end, it doesnt matter if he is hindu, or mulsim or christian, or tall, or fair, or dark, or an engineer or a doctor. When it fundamentally comes down to loving a person and knowing that that person will make you happy, it just matters that that person is going to be your emotional and intellectual partner in life. isn’t that what being “liberal” is?
In india, our criteria of who we should love is based on things that dont even matter and it makes me sad that our culture preaches that. So many marriages in India I know of have turned out to be abusive or the people are unhappy because they got married based on criteria which makes them “similar in ethnicity and religion” but not necessarily a good emotional match.
The article reminds me a line from the movie “Namesake” . When Karl Penn’s wife is leaving him for her lover in Paris .. she tells him “Maybe its not enough that we are both Bengali” and Karl Penn replies to her “that’s not why I love you”. That scene was so moving and sums up so much of the way we think and perceive love as immigrants. And what he says is very true. Being Benagli or Pakiatani or whatever it is not a suffecient criteria from love.
So why not dare to be dreamer in love just like the many other things that know no boundry? Its hard but who knows – it may be worth it. Many of my cousins who grew up here in America are married to American men and even though it took some time to convince their parents, now my cousins are so wonderfully happy because they got to marry the love of their lives.
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Good luck with your search!
Paolomi
May 3, 2010 at 10:36 am
eskimo
These sites are a probability game.
They exist on the premise that:
“Probability (Intellectual and Emotional intersection amongst partners) approx.= Probability (Ethnic and Religious intersection amongst partners)
The business model breaks down if the above equation (amongst others) does not hold true. There must, at worst, be a strong positive correlation (apologies for the math lingo). Explains the success of J-date.com. Successful play on correlations.
Ethnicity and Religion are only subsets of IQ and EQ. Plenty of other factors determine an appropriate match. Shaadi.com attempts to find as many matches by a plethora of screening criteria such as degree of education, birthplace, caste, creed, skin color, height, weight, hair color, breast size, religion, number of siblings. Most of these screening criteria have very low correlations with genuine, non-superficial compatibility for the quintessential “liberal”.
March 7, 2011 at 6:37 pm
Deba
I absolutely agree with the comments made above. Shaadi.Com is extremely geared for people living in India or Green Card holders. I am a Intermediate English Teacher at a middle school in Texas. Ever Since I made the announcement that I would be a teacher from high school my parents frowned on this as being a worthy career choice. It was the usual why don’t you want to be a Doctor, Engineer, Therapist, or Marketing Sales Professional? But I still think Indian Society is still very judgmental. I am 31 years old and not married and so that is a problem in our “Indian” Society. It really drives me nuts sometimes. They think I am too Old. Shaadi.Com is also very lucid to when it comes to mate searching. Its like everyone wants and “Ivy-League”, extremely pretty, highly educated, “Female Mate” to carry with them. So I believe when your time is right that magical moment will just happen be it through a web site or a chance meeting.
March 7, 2011 at 10:37 pm
sospokesaroj
Wholeheartedly agree. When the time is right, I’m not sure the medium through which two people meet will matter. Still, it would be nice of social norms change with changing times, and become a bit more reasonable.
September 8, 2011 at 10:05 pm
Jo (@J891206)
I totally agree with you all. Indian society except very modern cities tend to have that judgemental look, but you are very right, there is no set time for marriage, it will happen when it happens. As I learned there is a path set for everyone that is the key to happy life. I have a cousin who was pressured to get married when in her 20′s but went against it. She didn’t get married until she was 34 and now she’s nearing 42, happily married to her loving, chilled out husband who is a non-Indian (my family is malayalee) with a cute daughter and twins on the way
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